A Brief History of Bowel Habits, or: Windy the Poo (Recognise Any Symptoms Yet?)

It all kind of started about ten years ago. Little by little, I noticed my bowel movements becoming more and more difficult. And the odd thing was, it wasn't always consistently one thing or the other.

Sometimes it was diarrhea, with the associated cramping. But with the stools a strange, not fully liquid but definitely not solid, squirty yellow mess that seemed to float on the water. Other times, it was dark, heavy, sludgy and impossible to move. Constipation suggests really hard stools that you can't move. Well mine were not hard at all, but imagine poo like sticky sludge, and well, that doesn't move too well either.

And in either case, you just can't wipe yourself fully clean, no matter how good your paper is. Always had to use a bit of water and even that wasn't 100% effective. So you go through your day hoping fervently that it's only your prayers reaching high heaven, and not any lingering odours.

As if that wasn't embarrassing enough, through it all were the oft-present symptoms of bloated gassiness. At least, that's what it felt like. You see, to add to the embarrassment of leaving the cubicle not fully sure if you got yourself clean enough, you walked around constantly with the urge to poot. But there ain't no quiet, smell-less farting to be had with GI, nosiree. You see, often you were walking around all sludged up down below, so much so that any escaping gas was going to announce its gleeful entry into the wide world with a raspberry worthy of the largest untied balloon with the smallest neck. Hmph.

At least, if it was gas. To add to it all, sometimes you're so plugged up you don't know if the resulting emission is going to be solid, liquid or gaseous. Much like a Chemistry lab test, but with far more embarrassing consequences if you guess the wrong output. Like expecting gas but getting liquid. Get the picture?

Which brings me to my earlier post: sometimes constipation and diarrhea at the same time. You see, often you're so blocked up with the unmoving sludge, and yet, backed up further along the system the body is trying to rid itself of waste. So it sends more water into the gut, trying to flush out the perceived toxins (or so I imagine). And it sends you signals you need to go potty. RIGHT AWAY, AND DON'T DELAY. Hence the cramps. But once you sprint to the loo, and position yourself for action... the sludge still ain't goin nowhere, not till you strain and wash and wipe and repeat (I've used up two rolls of toilet paper in sessions lasting 30 to 45 minutes), and the sludge finally moves its slothful way onward, and then you get to evacuate the diarrhea your body is telling you to move. Not a pleasant experience. You see why we GI sufferers hate it so much?