The Proof in the Bowl

I had a classmate once, Daphne, who used to have the most bizarre, vivid, memorable dreams, which she used to roller-coaster through nightly and then regale us with the next morning after class at the university. That she could recall her dreams in such detail was particularly mind-boggling for me, one of those unfortunates whose memories of dreams, even the harder-hitting ones, fade away to nothingness minutes upon waking.

Anyway, once Daphne told us about how, after a particularly heavy seafood dinner, she went to bed with a rumbly tummy, and once in Dreamland, after many bizarre twists and turns, was led by a talking owl (yes, a talking owl) to her bathroom, whereupon her chatty feathered friend pointed an accusatory wing at her toilet bowl and intoned gravely: "Now just look at what you've done!". And peering into the porcelain (I have visions of Daphne in her nightie looking like a sleepy, slightly-alarmed fortune teller, but with a toilet bowl for a crystal ball), she saw... the stir-fried crabs she had had for dinner, but strangely very much whole and very much alive, and sans the chilli-coriander gravy they'd been dressed in just hours before.

Not much connection to the rest of my post but this story always makes me think how the evidence we leave behind in the toilet bowl can tell us so much more than we think.

For us GI sufferers, if you've been longtemps afflicted, you may often see the floaty yellow poo in the bowl. That's probably cos the intestinal villi have been so much damaged by the body's reaction to gluten that they can't digest fat properly anymore, so it goes out the body as part of the waste (thus the characteristic yellowish colour -- a sign of undigested lipids -- and the fact that it floats, as fat does in water).

The reason I think gluten intolerance is really widespread, just not often diagnosed here, is because I see signs of it all the time. It's no secret some of Asia's public loos are absolutely filthy. (Wipe that smug look off your face you non-Asians, it ain't all of us Asians at fault and you know that one bad apple, yadda yadda. It just takes that one guy to mess it up and everyone gets a bad name. I also think that Western toilets aren't necessarily cleaner -- they just have more cleaners.) Well, anyway. Some of the public toilets here are really bad, and I often think it's because of GI sludge. Brown poop in the bowl that just won't flush away. If you're going through the dark brown sticky phase, you'll know that that stuff sticks.

So on to tip number one. To avoid leaving brown evidence that can't be flushed away, toss some toilet paper in the bowl before sitting down. That way, poop hits paper, not porcelain, and won't stick where it's not supposed to. Minimises splashing too. Another thing you can do (I had this brainwave on a recent trip to France, staying in someone's apartment where detergents and other stuff were in easy reach of the toilet bowl) is squirt some detergent around the bowl before doing the deed. That pretty much helps to prevent unwanted adherence too, though this is more a tip for home than outside, where you'd look mighty strange walking into the cubicle with oh just a bottle of Mama Lemon to help things along.

Now, still on the dirty stickiness (thank you Hiroyuki Nishigaki, but I've learnt other ways to good-bye depression)... aside from not being able to wipe yourself fully clean (because there's Klingons backed up all along your pipe work, and ah aint gonna go in that far, thank you), you might use up rolls of loo paper in the process. I know I have. Some nasty things can result. All that paper can block up the toilet (I've had this happen so often it's not funny. Made even worse since the government, championing water-saving, began mandating WCs that use less water for flushing. Less water equals less power flushing things away.) So the next tip -- flush often, mid-way, even if you're not fully done yet. You can always flush again. But there is a problem with this, in that is it's not fun to get splashed if you're still seated, as might happen. And don't delay-- if there's already a pile of paper in the bowl, and you're not done, a weak flush might still block the outlet, and then you have a real situation. Half-done pooping, not wiped clean, a blocked toilet overflowing, pants around your knees. Not a pretty picture.)

Another tip, this time to help with the wiping, and another doff of the hat to the French. The creators of the bidet were on to something-- a bit of water helps a millionfold with wiping yourself clean. Here's what I did (and still do). Wipe as clean as you can. Exit the cubicle with a wad of clean toilet paper. Use it like a sponge to soak up some tap water, then re-enter the cubicle, and using your wet paper sponge, moisten other pieces of toilet paper to help with the wiping. That way you have an ample supply of wet wipes on hand, and not just the one wet piece.

Why all this fuss and bother? Well, if you're GI, you spend a lot of time in the loo. These are just a few ways to make things a bit more pleasant for you (and the next user too).